Braving the Beach — Swimsuit Photoshoots and Dealing With “Beach Body” Shame

If you’ve been here a while, you know that I’m no stranger to being in front of the camera almost as much as I’m behind it at this point. However, posing and feeling confident in very little clothing in the comfort and privacy of my Portland studio is quite different than doing it outside. Where people can see me 🫣

The “Beach Body” Shame

I grew up thin, but right around puberty I was already hyper aware that I didn’t have the societal definition of a perfect body. I had (and still have) short legs, small butt, and a little rounded edge to my stomach. So by middle school, I was dealing with feelings that so many of us feel: shame, fear, and embarrassment. I’d hear other kids or even adults talking under their breath about strangers on the beach, saying certain people should “cover up,” or “no one wants to see that,” which was usually a projection of their own insecurity. But words carry weight and meaning, and sometimes they stick with you; especially if it’s something you’re already insecure about. And I carried them with me for a long time.

I think the absolute worst of the feelings I had were longing, envy. Jealousy of those who didn’t (seem to) think twice about putting on a swimsuit and jumping right into the pool, no matter how many people were around. I wanted to open my arms out wide and feel the sun on my skin, but instead found myself crossing my arms and sitting with my knees up to cover my stomach. I’m tearing up now thinking about little me, and all the young girls right now who are experiencing this exact same thing.

Thankfully, some of us have decided we’ve shamed ourselves for too long, and we’re ready to change the narrative. Now, I can share it with you.

Why I Did The Photoshoot

I’ll be honest, this photoshoot wasn’t just for me. The whole point of me doing portraits on the beach was to have promo images for an upcoming sale. I wanted to show up for my clients and my audience and say look —if I can do it out here, so can you. It had a purpose, a usefulness. And it wasn’t until we got all the way out to the coast that I started feeling the nerves. I was technically ready — I did my hair and makeup, I bought a new swimsuit just for this, and brought my two besties to help with the camera. I coach people through this all the time, so why was I of all people having nerves?

Those feelings from childhood came rushing back. My instinct was maybe to just bail the whole photoshoot and chill with my shirt on. I wanted to cross my arms and sit with my legs up. I looked around and saw so many beautiful photos coming to life in front of me, and I wanted to skip all of that and find a place where no one would see me; for their comfort and mine.

But I didn’t. I went on, afraid someone would call me out, waiting for someone to tell me I shouldn’t be doing that here. I went on, through the intimidation, through the fear of absolutely none of the photos turning out. I went on, thinking my rounded stomach edge might ruin everything.

But it didn’t. Yes I was slow moving at first, but I kept telling myself that just like anyone else here, I came here to have fun. I’m making content for my business, but if I’m not having fun the photos will reflect that. So I decided to have fun. To allow myself to move, and pose — yes, in front of other people on the beach — and be in my own little bubble of fun and creativity. I gave myself permission to open my arms out wide and feel the sun on my skin; my stomach, my arms, my legs, my face. And it was probably the most impactful photoshoot I’ve had to date.

What I Took With Me

When I say it was the most impactful photoshoot for me — I mean I only have one “boudoir” style photo of myself printed, framed, and hung in my living room. It’s from this photoshoot. I ordered the print almost immediately after I edited it, I couldn’t wait to look at it and remember everything it meant to me.

It’s a reminder that I braved the beach. I went even though I was nervous and insecure.

It’s a reminder that I have a beach body, as long as I let my body exist on the beach.

It’s a reminder to be proud of myself for deciding not to listen to all the shit I was supposed to think about my body, and create art that means something.

It’s a reminder that I’m a fucking precious pearl in the sand. How dare I ever accuse this body of being anything but full of art and creativity and love?

It didn’t cure me. I still get insecure about that rounded edge of my stomach. I still feel anxious sometimes when I think about wearing my favorite bikini to the beach. But I have proof that I am more than those things. I am so much more than my anxieties, fears, and insecurities. That’s what I want you to feel when you look back at your photos from me. Whether you brave the beach or slay in the studio, I want you to be reminded that you are so much more than everything you were afraid of.

We can change the narrative together.

My favorite photo framed and hung in my living room from my own swimsuit photoshoot on the beach.